Sunday 26 September 2010

The Raven - Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

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I realised something...

So, I was reading something on Tumblr today about this girl and she suffers with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I decided to research this and I think that I have this, in at least a mild form. This makes a lot of sense to me. 

I have always struggled with my appearance and seem to have a completely distorted opinion of myself; I always think that I am fat ugly etcetc. I pick out my flaws all the time and whenever someone compliments me I struggle to believe them in any way. There is nothing about myself that I like. This links to my OCD, Eating issues and lack of self-confidence. The definition online is:

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a condition where a person spends a lot of time worried and concerned about their appearance. A person with this disorder may:
  • focus on an apparent physical defect that other people cannot see, OR
  • have a mild physical defect, but the concern about it is out of proportion to the defect.
For example, a person may think that he or she has a skin blemish or an odd shaped nose. However, no-one else can see the defect, or the blemish would be considered trivial by most people. The person becomes preoccupied with the imagined defect, or slight defect. For example, he or she may spend a lot of time looking in the mirror at the apparent defect, or wear camouflaging make-up to hide the defect.

The thought of the defect is very distressing for people with BDD. In some cases the condition can have a great impact on day to day life and functioning. For example:
  • Many people with BDD will avoid social situations, or even avoid going out from the home. This is because they fear that their imagined or trivial defect will get undue attention from other people.
  • Some people with BDD consult a cosmetic surgeon to have the imagined or trivial defect corrected.
  • Some people even become suicidal because of the distress caused by this condition.

As I said, I am no way near the extreme of it but it makes perfect sense to me. And I have been feeling really down recently and this does offer me some closure.

Monday 20 September 2010

It's a Love Story, Baby Just Say Yes....

This is the new lens from Hisptamatic. I started experimenting today with it :) I think that it's very pretty and the colours are cute. It's possibly my favourite App because it is so awesome, except for when it freezes (which is every 4th use or so) because that's just irritating!

Anyway, today was ... interesting. I swear I SUCK at English Literature and I want to study it at Uni....oh dear... BUT I did manage to get the cutest Aviator coat ever as an early Birthday present (see right) so I am chuffed :)

Off to a party at the Cavern in a bit which I am looking forward too :) Shame I got to be in at 9 tomorrow..... HA

....Nice...

you eat, you’re fat. you don’t eat, you’re a freak. you drink, you’re an alcoholic. you don’t drink, you’re a pussy. you read, you’re a nerd. you don’t read, you’re stupid. you tell a secret, you’re an attention seeker. you don’t tell a secret, you’re still attention seeking. you let someone in, you’re easy. you don’t let someone in, you’re too uptight. you smoke, you think you’re cool. you don’t smoke, you’re a loser. you’ve had sex, you’re a slut. you haven’t had sex, you’re a frigid little bitch. you wear make up, you’re a slag. you don’t wear make up, you’re ugly. you can’t please anyone. ever.

Thursday 16 September 2010

Well...

I am going to start posting pics of my daily outfits - a mini project that I have set myself :)

Jeans - New Look
Vest - H&M
Crop Tee - New Look

Monday 13 September 2010

Some Hipstamatic Images :)

BLAH BLAH BLAH

I am getting closer and closer to my Uni choices. At the moment Cardiff is a huge YES! and others such as Kent, Warwick, Edinburgh, Oxford etc are very much a possibility. Although, I currently have 13 possible choices that need to be whittled down to 5...FIVE!?!?!....how is this going to be possible!? There are so many places that I would love to go to, so I am making a Pro/Con list for each university in order to (hopefully) make my choices.

Aspects that will influence my choice: Deferred Entry possibilities - can I defer or is it iffy?; Course structure/content - will I enjoy it? Are there compulsory modules/exams etc? What books will I have to study? etc; Location - this is a MUST! Do I see myself living there for 3 or 4 years of my life? Is it a campus? What is the feeling of the place?; Grades required - yes, obvious, but there is a clear difference in quality between a uni offering places on AAA and one offering BBB or BBC or whatever. Also, will I get the AAA or AAB that I need?; Rankings - obvious and somewhat snobbish, but I don't want to go to a university that is low in rankings! Saying that, Cardiff is 44th in the rankings and I loved it!
So yes, that is my predicament!! haha. I also need to complete my personal statement first!

On a different note; it's my birthday in a month and 4 days! I will be officially an adult. There are many things that I want for my birthday, most notably, a car, although I doubt this will happen because we are poor :(. Also need to sort out birthday partyyyy AAAAH :DD

Thursday 2 September 2010

Hello

00:04 is the time right now on my laptop's clock. I should be in bed. But I'm not :) I am becoming more and more nocturnal as the holiday's drag on, despite the fact that there is one week left until college..oh.

I can't be doing with college right now. I don't want the responsibility. Not again. And my hols were just starting to get interesting.... :) what with my being popular with boys all of a sudden. And entering into what will be termed; a courtship :P haha. I have no idea what will happen next, but I sort of like it. My life is becoming a bit more...eventful. All I know is, he is ignoring me, so he is a bitch. LOL

Dad moved back down here the other day, his house is really cute and he lives in a gorgeous area with a beautiful park that reminds me of the National Trust gardens. (Photo's tomorrow :D) - I have now reminded myself that I must take up photography again. And may invest in some new equipment.


I have so much shit to catch up on. And so much shopping to do. So excited!
The time is now 00:14 and I am officially bored of writing. Peace out!