The Internet is Bad For My Body Image

Wow, I have not written in ages! I have been meaning to write this for a while, so I may as well write it today!

An issue that is always being brought to my attention, in the media, on Facebook and in real life, and something that I have addressed previously, is that of body image. There are a lot of images circling the Web regarding body size, commenting on what is attractive. Usually, there is a photo of a super skinny woman, next to a photo of a curvy woman (often Marilyn Monroe), with some comment about how the thin woman is unattractive and the curvy woman is attractive, this image is the one I am thinking of:

Firstly, they have not only chosen an unflattering photo of Marilyn to use, the one which makes her look bigger than she is, but they have also chosen the most extreme example they could find to basically say 'curves are better than bones' or whatever. Now, of course I agree that yes, super skinny is bad, if you have inflicted it upon yourself or have an eating disorder (although instead of judging these mentally ill people, we should be helping them love themselves, not loathe themselves even more which is often why they have an eating disorder in the first place: trust me, I know). 

Secondly, your weight should NOT in any way determine how attractive you are. I loathe all the Facebook groups that say looking a certain way is better than looking some other way, particularly as people are then all confused as to why so many people have body issues or low self-esteem. We place so much emphasis on looks, bringing your weight into it makes it worse. What makes you attractive is not your appearance, but your personality (cliche I know). What is wrong with thin women? Why are they so unattractive all of a sudden? I am not a large woman, I have curves but in the grand scheme of things, I am thin, and people often call me skinny even though I don't believe I am. I don't look good chubbier than I am, so I don't want to gain weight in order to measure my worth, especially as years ago I developed an eating disorder after being called 'fat' for my entire childhood (I was never above a healthy weight for my height). My body is naturally 'chunky', regardless of how little I weigh. 

Similarly, these two images often appear on my Facebook timeline, or Tumblr dashboard:

Again the intention of these is clear, it is to dictate to people what they should find attractive. I see Kiera Knightly and Kirsten Dunst on the 'unattractive' image list. They are both naturally very slim and always have been, they cannot help it, so we should not make them both out to be unattractive because of this. I don't doubt that the models on the bottom are attractive, but they are all still very slim women, not that much bigger than the 'skinny' women, so it seems like the point is a bit invalid. Equally, the second image is usually accompanied by figures telling us what clothing size these women are and that men will prefer the bigger woman, thus insinuating that women must be bigger to get male attention. All three of those women are attractive, yet people comment on the thinner ones saying how they are 'too thin'. No one in that photo looks too thin to me, they all look healthy weights of different sizes. Why do we feel the constant need to compare these body shapes and comment on them all the time? It's belittling and mean. The people who make these comments would hate it if their photo was on the internet being judged in the same way, so it should not be ok for them to effectively bully and stereotype people of different body shapes. 

My life with Ana

Ok, so I have lived with Ana (anorexia) for the past 4 years and it plays a large role in my day to day life. I have decided to create a post to express my feelings towards it, to address common misconceptions, to explain my situation and anything else I think of. I am in no way promoting Eating Disorders, I am merely stating the facts and trying to give an honest account from a person who has been diagnosed with this 'disease'. Believe me, I would love to live without it.

Firstly, a bit about me and my experiences. My current STATS are:

Height: 5'7.5"/5'8"

Weight: 115 llb (8st 3)]
BMI: 17.5

Average daily intake: 1,000-1,200 calories

Exercise: Moderately active (am going to raise this once I start running more)

Ok...so it started when I was 14. I don't know how or why, but it did. It began with the Dancemat. It is a weird way to start, I know, but it did. I had lost 1 stone naturally in my first year of high school, 10 down to 9. So I was already a bit thinner. I had not realised, but my DanceMat had an 'Aerobic' option which would tell you how many calories you burned per song. I realised that if I just ran on the spot then it would burn loads of calories, even though it wasn't that accurate at all! So I kept doing it, and would get excited with the amount of calories burnt. This was the time I discovered calories, and found out all the facts. The country had just recently become very health aware, putting all those food wheels on food packets with nutritional information so it was hard to miss the calories issue. I then lost my appetite significantly. I then found out that I could run, well. My Gran asked me to come to the 'Mothers and Daughters' running group that was part of the Women's Running Network, so I said ok. I was always at the front, and had to loop back. 

I began to run by myself, a 3-4 mile route in 30-40 mins, depending on how I felt that day. I would do this a lot. Meanwhile, the amount of food I ate became less and less. I was obsessed with counting calories, and having as few as possible. I would tally the amount up and sometimes would eat 200 a day. Not even quarter of the recommended daily intake. I was obviously losing weight rapidly and within a month I had lost a stone. I know this because I read my diary from that year (as it was Jan-Feb time) and I was recording my daily weight. When I got to around 8 stone (112 llb) I wrote that I was worried. That I didn't want to lose any more weight because I thought I had lost enough. ... I was obviously aware of what I was doing. However, in that same day I would write that I felt disgusted that I had eaten a bit of chocolate, or binged a bit, so the next day I would eat less and run more.

This continued, and within 3 months I had lost 2 stone and was 6 stone 10 (94llb) so was significantly underweight. At this point I seemed to have hit my maximum and I was not losing weight anymore, instead fluctuating up and back down by a few llb. It was horrid. 

I had absolutely no concentration. I was making myself sick. I was exercising whenever I could. I was refusing food. I remember one time I cried in class, I don't know why, and my teacher GAVE ME MONEY TO BUY LUNCH. I bought quiche and ate it all and spent ages crying and feeling awful, wanting to throw up. I couldn't believe I had done that after I told myself I would eat half of it. I was going out of class to throw up. I was crying all the time. My friends left me (which is the absolute worst thing anyone can do to an anorexic...I still haven't forgiven them completely for that, because I NEEDED someone and no one was THERE, it was teachers instead.) I would break down and tell my teachers what I was feeling, that I didn't want ana but at the same time I did. I was so bad that I was told I didn't have to do my SATs test in year 9, instead have a week off. I had to lie and say I was sick. It was somewhat humiliating.

So...I was never hospitalised, but was an out-patient. I went on regular visits to the hospital and got a counsellor. She was helpful and I met her anorexic daughter. She told me about her experiences, and she was worse than me by so much. She almost died. Yet I just got ideas rather than shock tactics. 

Then one day, I suddenly seemed to have gained weight. I got uo to 8st and my period came back. To this day I don't know what caused it, but it happened. I went back up to almost 9 stone, but then back down to 8 which I stayed at for a long time. Then recently, I weighed myself. 8 st 6. 120llb. I felt sick and refused to eat. So now I am trying to lose weight. it doesn't seem to be happening but I am trying. I know the cut off point for my period so I just won't go below that. I hate looking this way. I want to be toned and beautiful and skinny, not fat like I am now. People can tell me I am not, but Ana won't listen. She says I AM fat. I don't want to fight this. I know people don't care. No one has noticed. So I shall keep going. 

Secondly, misconceptions/issues/my thoughts.

Ok, so many people think that anorexia is just girls wanting to look like celebrities. This, is false. I never wanted to look like a celebrity. The root of anorexia is often linked to a trauma. I was bullied from a young age, and still am. My dad walked out when I was 8, I blocked all memories before that age. The divorce was messy and I have never forgiven him, instead blame myself. I blame myself for my brother's disease also. I am one of the 'intelligent' girls and I put pressure on myself constantly. I have OCD, BDD and have bipolar tendencies. All other girls I know with this disease have pretty much the same story. We are all the 'intelligent' girls, who have gone through something bad and need to get control back. It's not about being skinny to start with.

Also, WE NEED OUR FRIENDS. When I was at my worst, I lost everyone. To this day I don't know why, they just became horrid and cruel and made me want to kill myself. It MADE ME WORSE. I recognise that people do not understand the disease and get scared, and I was the first girl in our year to get anorexia. So no one got it. But they told me they would bitch about me. Little did they know that I was self harming (I would scratch my arms so much they are now scarred a little), crying, throwing up, running, screaming, hurting, because I NEEDED them and I couldn't understand why they hated me. They said I had become a bitch. A) I am not aware that I ever was a bitch, B) If I gave off that impression it was Ana, not me, and this is because Ana reverts you back to a childlike state and you focus only on that, so you become selfish. It is not our fault, so if you know someone with the disease, don't alienate them. Care for them, listen to them, be there for them. Even if they push you away, let them know you will be there because they need that.

Anorexia doesn't necessarily just go away, nor does it not exist if you look healthy. Just because someone is back at a normal weight does not mean that they still don't need help, that they still have it. Because I know I suffer with it now. I am terrified of getting fat. Anorexia may be a cry for help and once a normal weight, the support needs to continue in order to reduce the risk of a relapse. IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

Anorexia is a mental disease. It affects mostly girls, but quite a lot of boys too. It's like a voice in your head telling you that you're fat and no one will like you as you are ugly as well. It is not an attention seeking thing, and if it is we are not aware of this. Apparently, people are born with an anorexic tendency and something will trigger it. Don't tell them how selfish they are, or that they should 'just die' or whatever, because that doesn't help. Whatever you feel, I am sorry to say, is irrelevant. Until they have got help, do not try 'tough love' because it makes it worse. 

If there is anything I have missed, let me know. I hope this has been informative. Stay strong.

Beauty

What is our obsession with beauty? Or, to put it another way, why are we so OBSESSED with being 'perfect' or 'sexy' or 'stunning' or.... 'fake'. 

The fashion world has gone, in my opinion, too far in its quest for beauty. A beautiful woman who, 50 years ago, would be considered a pin up would today be called fat.  A woman who was once seen as too thin and boyish is the epitome of beauty in our modern society. It seems that there is a certain ideal that we must all aspire to. This, to me, is wrong. 


Take Marilyn Monroe, for example. She was once considered one of the most beautiful women on the planet. She was the subject of many mens desires. She was a highly sexualised pin up of the 50's and 60's. She was gorgeous. Yet she was naturally a size 14 (UK) - which is incidentally the average dress size for UK women. No one wanted a bag of bones, they wanted curves and breasts. They desired a healthy woman. If she was to launch herself today as an actress and model she would be labelled 'plus size' and would not be recognised in the same way. At all. You may hear people talk about her positively, but who can honestly say that she would have the sex appeal and the popularity today as she did 60 years ago? If it wasn't for Twiggy, our models would probably still look like this.

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Girls as young as 5 are beginning to feel concerned about their appearance. They wear make-up and have piercings and wear short skirts and heels. We are encouraging children to sexualise themselves and this gives raise to pedophiles, praying on innocent, naive young girls who don't realise the image they are putting across to horny men. Our mothers do not stop this. There are many women that encourage their young child to dress inappropriately because it is 'cute'. Their children are becoming fake, 'plastic' and often resemble Lolita. And we all know how that story goes...


Even Barbie has changed. She portrays the commercial view of what a beautiful woman should look like. And girls aspire to be her. If she were a real person with the correct proportions she would be something like, 9ft tall and 100llb which would make her severely malnourished and probably dead. Is this the kind of role model children need?

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Our current idea of beauty has stretched so far as to give a huge rise in eating disorders, particularly among teen girls. Now, it has been suggested that an eating disorder is genetic, but only occurs through triggering. Often that triggering is the media's portrayal of beautiful, perfect women. Most of these women have been photoshopped and people do not seem to acknowledge that these models' skins are not blemish free, their legs aren't that thin and that their faces are symmetrical. Some of the triggering comes from experiences at school, for example. If you are even a little bit overweight, or perhaps you aren't what they see as attractive (even if you are) then you will be bullied horrendously. I experienced this first hand for the majority of my school life, and still experience it now. It cuts you to the core, and whilst this bullying may be down to jealousy (as often you ARE beautiful and you ARE smart and you ARE thin), you will believe it. You will look in the mirror and all you will see is a fat, ugly freak who no one loves. Trust me, I experience this on a daily basis. Sometimes, this can become extreme and lead to BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) which is associated with OCD, Anorexia and Bulimia. 


Do we really need to starve ourselves in order to be beautiful? 


In theory, no. Everyone will openly state that they are NOT pro-ana. Modelling agencies state that their models need to be (UK) size 8-10. But how many of those catwalk models do you REALLY think are a size 8-10? How many do you really think are encouraged to eat healthily, to exercise with caution etc? 

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Beauty is NOT what you see on the catwalk. It is NOT what you see in the magazines or on the TV. If you look around you, there is virtually no one who looks like them. At all. Our desire to be beautiful should be based upon intellect and personality, not on the external appearance. I know this is what everyone says, but come on, if you see couples on the street, how many of them are what the industry labels as beautiful? Beauty comes from within you, and relationships aren't built on looks alone. The reason I have gone on a rant that doesn't even make sense is because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I experience this pain everyday. Perhaps I am a hypocrite, because I will starve myself. I will work to lose weight. I will look in the mirror and feel ugly. I will look in the mirror and feel fat. I will feel unloved and unwanted. But this does not make me right. No one will ever be 100% content with themselves, but we can still believe this is true. We can still KNOW it is true, even, because true beauty comes from within us. And everyone is beautiful in their own way. And just because I have issues, it is not because of the industry, because I disagree with their perceptions, hey are personal issues and nothing to do with them. So shoot me...