The Internet is Bad For My Body Image

Wow, I have not written in ages! I have been meaning to write this for a while, so I may as well write it today!

An issue that is always being brought to my attention, in the media, on Facebook and in real life, and something that I have addressed previously, is that of body image. There are a lot of images circling the Web regarding body size, commenting on what is attractive. Usually, there is a photo of a super skinny woman, next to a photo of a curvy woman (often Marilyn Monroe), with some comment about how the thin woman is unattractive and the curvy woman is attractive, this image is the one I am thinking of:

Firstly, they have not only chosen an unflattering photo of Marilyn to use, the one which makes her look bigger than she is, but they have also chosen the most extreme example they could find to basically say 'curves are better than bones' or whatever. Now, of course I agree that yes, super skinny is bad, if you have inflicted it upon yourself or have an eating disorder (although instead of judging these mentally ill people, we should be helping them love themselves, not loathe themselves even more which is often why they have an eating disorder in the first place: trust me, I know). 

Secondly, your weight should NOT in any way determine how attractive you are. I loathe all the Facebook groups that say looking a certain way is better than looking some other way, particularly as people are then all confused as to why so many people have body issues or low self-esteem. We place so much emphasis on looks, bringing your weight into it makes it worse. What makes you attractive is not your appearance, but your personality (cliche I know). What is wrong with thin women? Why are they so unattractive all of a sudden? I am not a large woman, I have curves but in the grand scheme of things, I am thin, and people often call me skinny even though I don't believe I am. I don't look good chubbier than I am, so I don't want to gain weight in order to measure my worth, especially as years ago I developed an eating disorder after being called 'fat' for my entire childhood (I was never above a healthy weight for my height). My body is naturally 'chunky', regardless of how little I weigh. 

Similarly, these two images often appear on my Facebook timeline, or Tumblr dashboard:

Again the intention of these is clear, it is to dictate to people what they should find attractive. I see Kiera Knightly and Kirsten Dunst on the 'unattractive' image list. They are both naturally very slim and always have been, they cannot help it, so we should not make them both out to be unattractive because of this. I don't doubt that the models on the bottom are attractive, but they are all still very slim women, not that much bigger than the 'skinny' women, so it seems like the point is a bit invalid. Equally, the second image is usually accompanied by figures telling us what clothing size these women are and that men will prefer the bigger woman, thus insinuating that women must be bigger to get male attention. All three of those women are attractive, yet people comment on the thinner ones saying how they are 'too thin'. No one in that photo looks too thin to me, they all look healthy weights of different sizes. Why do we feel the constant need to compare these body shapes and comment on them all the time? It's belittling and mean. The people who make these comments would hate it if their photo was on the internet being judged in the same way, so it should not be ok for them to effectively bully and stereotype people of different body shapes. 

I am a Feminist!

I say, shouting from on top of a chair, because Caitlin Moran told me to. 

Evidently, I am not the stereotypical feminist that everyone will think of if one says the dreaded word ‘Feminism’. I don't burn my bras. I haven't decided that my blatant heterosexuality is holding me back in the world thus have gone to the 'other side' (or is it the 'same side'?) to pursue the pleasures of the flesh that only a woman can satisfy. I don't NOT wear make-up or dress nice. I don't lecture others on the patriarchy (too often) and so on. No, I am not any of these things and if you look at me, you probably wouldn't think that I am a feminist. 

One argument, which I agree with, and which Caitlin Moran discusses in her book How to Be a Woman (which has become my new bible) is that, whilst only 52% of our population would admit to being a feminist, probably more than that are feminists without realising it. If you, as a woman, have a job, then you are a feminist. If you want to be equal to men, you are a feminist. If you want to have the right to choose who you date, marry, divorce and so on, you are a feminist. If you want the right to look how you like, not to impress others, but because it's how YOU want to look, then you are a feminist. If you want the choice as to if and when you have children, and use contraceptives like the Pill, you are a feminist. I could go on for hours. Whilst I should really add 'probably' before 'feminist' each time, because it may not necessarily entail that one is a feminist, it would take away the significance of what I meant. Also, I am probably right, more of us than would like to admit are feminists, simply by being able to do what we want, when we want (within reason) and have control over our bodies, yet because this isn't what we tend to associate with feminism, we don't think that it fits.

This is what a feminist looks like

Feminism seems to have become one of those taboo subjects that is only discussed by radicals or academics, a subject that isn't willingly included in day-to-day conversations because it's a touchy subject and people will assume you're some crazy radical communist man-hater who likes to throw herself under horses just to make a point (or something to that effect). It's as though people just think, "You made your point in the 60s and got what you wanted, so shut up, please, women." But we shouldn't shut up, please, because we are still fighting an ongoing battle. For instance, sexism is still very much a part of our society and it goes unnoticed because it's usually not that extreme (unless you're David 'Calm down, dear' Cameron) or deliberately trying to insult a woman, it's still just the 'norm' in a way. In her chapter 'I Encounter some Sexism!', Moran makes the point that a lot of it comes from the men in charge, who were from the pre-feminist era so are used to sexist attitudes and those who are post-feminist, well, they are just subtle about it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there, for example;

"Very often, a woman can have left a party, caught the bus home, washed her face, got into bed, read 20 minutes of The Female Eunuch and put the light out before she puts the light back on again, sits bolt upright and shouts, 'Hang on—I’VE JUST HAD SOME SEXISM AT ME. THAT WAS SOME SEXISM!'" (From How to Be a Woman)

Also, the average pay for women is still at least 30% lower than that of a man in the same position, but why? Women are most expensive to ‘maintain’; our clothes cost more, creating our appearance costs more, we are required to buy things like tampons and other feminine products, and we tend to be the ones paying most for children. All of this costs more than any ‘normal’ man’s, so as we earn less and spend more, we are left with even less money than is suitable for us.

Another problem for women is the way we dress, particularly as many clothes have become sexualised. This paves the way for sexism and is often used as a justification for rape. Just because a woman wears certain clothes, it does not mean she is interested in attracting men and having sex. She wears those clothes because she feels comfortable in them, or simply because there really isn’t anything different available. I try to dress nicely most of the time, I wear short skirts/shorts, tight clothes, high heels and make-up. But it doesn’t mean that I am inviting a man to come up and grind his bits all over my bum and try to get off with me when I am out with my friends, or rape me and say that I was ‘asking for it’. It doesn’t mean I am in any way ‘easy’ and I don’t like it. This is one of the main reasons why I hate going clubbing and if I want to drink, I will do so at home, or in a pub, where dancing is optional. I dress how I do because I think it looks nice, looks nice on me and makes me feel a bit more confident. I don’t dress this way to attract men, deal with it!

This is also what feminists look like

What I like about Caitlin Moran, is the way in which she addresses all aspects of femininity, focusing upon our sexuality; totally blunt, to the point and accurate. She isn't afraid to say what, effectively, we are all thinking. Most of her topics are supposedly controversial and come at a time where feminism has taken the back seat, yet everything she says should appeal to the modern woman (or man, for that matter) and encourage them to start being more honest with themselves about these aspects of humanity that should not be put aside and tabooed, – masturbation, abortion and so on – because we all experience these things in our lives, so why fight them. She wants us to address these issues in a 21^st century stance, and we should. We need to decide how the failed sex education system in our country effects women, the implications for the perceptions of sex as a result of pornography, the moral issues surrounding abortion and how to deal with sexism. What does all this mean to the modern woman, and why doesn’t she want to talk about it?


I never really got taught about sex as a child. Sex education involved stories about STI's and how to say no. When you suddenly start realising that you're becoming a woman, it is scary. You don't know what your body is doing, what you are doing or what you want to do. You fall into obsessive love easily, you have imaginary relationships, you get your heart broken, you think about sex, you have sex, you drink, you smoke, you take drugs and so on (obviously I haven't done all of these things). But it's not taught, you have to discover it yourself, and it's not ok to talk about it with people, so how can you understand what is happening? The teenage years are erratic and hard for anyone and it's not helped by society decided to tell you it's not ok to talk about it. We need to teach young girls and boys about this stuff before they become messed up in the head and do something stupid, be it dangerously stupid or just silly stupid. They need to know it's ok to explore and develop sexuality, to take control of their bodies and emotions. That's what our previous feminists fought for, and that's what we need to adhere to. It's not extreme or anything, it's just what needs to be done.

As Simone Du Beauvoir once said, it’s easier for women to just conform and accept the patriarchy than fight for liberation, and whilst I am not suggesting that women start another revolution against it in the same way the suffragettes or new-wave 1960s feminists did, I do think that it should be socially acceptable for people to talk about this kind of stuff. For women AND men to come out and say, “Yes, I AM a feminist!” and not be looked upon like some crazy extremist. We are always talking about the fact that women in third world countries have few rights and are trying to help them. But we need to help ourselves and address our issues before we start thinking about other societies!

I am Female, I have strong opinions.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now; I have exams to revise for, summer plans to make, I am consistently ill so am trying to control that, I have aspirations for a life after university that I need to work towards. In terms of revision, I feel the stress is getting a bit much and I find myself procrastinating, a lot. This, I cannot help and it does not help matters that I am tired and therefore struggle to concentrate. What I have found interesting recently is reading. Not just for my course, but for pleasure. Notably, I have been reading news articles, because I am an intellectual daaaahling and must keep up to date with the goings on in the world. A number of things have struck me lately that I wish to address, and as I haven't blogged in a while, I thought I would share one of them with you (whoever YOU are);

Recently, there was a show on called 'Meet the Romans with Mary Beard'. It was a wonderful, informative programme on the real people of ancient Rome. Not the upper class that we focus on, but the poor people; those who lived in the slums; the multiculturalism; the dangers and size of the city and Empire and so on. But that's not what I will focus on. Following the programme's airing, the infamous Samantha Brick (who you may remember wrote an awkward article about how attractive she is and that people hate her because of it, which caused lots of hate to be thrown her way as she is not, really, that attractive at all. She is rather plain, actually) wrote an article deeming Mary Beard, a Cambridge Professor, to be too ugly for TV. Not only is that incredibly hypocritical coming from Samantha Brick, who just seems to be a nasty, dislikeable person, but also incredibly unnecessary and harsh. 

It made me think about our perceptions on beauty (which I previously wrote about in 2010, HERE). Who has the right to tell someone that they can't be on television because they aren't ascetically pleasing enough. For starters, there are many people on television who are far more unattractive than Mary Beard. I can think of loads, who I won't name, because I don't CARE if they are ugly or not. Secondly, it should not be about the looks, it should be about what talent this person has. Mary Beard is clearly very intelligent and the passion she has for her subject is evident in the way she presents herself on camera; she is funny, silly, enthusiastic and makes it understandable and easy to watch, even though you're getting tonnes of information! It should be about personality, not looks (as I echo the popular term, 'Don't judge a book by its cover'). 

Our society seems to be all about looking a certain way and if someone doesn't adhere to that, we shun them. With all the celebrity magazines around, it's hard to get away from this. They are always picking on people who appear to have gained a bit of weight, or have gone outside without make-up (SHOCK HORROR), or wore bad clothes, or lost TOO MUCH weight and so on. It seems like no one can do anything right nowadays. If we aren't too fat, then we are too thin. If we aren't what society deems to be 'beautiful', we are placed in the 'ugly' category. We can be too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb. If someone in the public eye does anything, people will immediately comment on it. 

Some people have been going against our preconceptions of beauty recently, however the majority appear to be men. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch has become an 'unlikely' sex symbol recently (deemed the Sun newspaper's sexiest man). For years, this man has been scrutinised for his appearance, yet following the popularity of Sherlock and his evident high intelligence, women (and men) worldwide have become obsessed with him. They even have a name, The Cumberbitches (YES, I am one of them, and I am not ashamed). The power of the internet can create unlikely sex symbols and Cumberbatch is only one of them (although he's attractive even if loads say he isn't, I don't care). These sex symbols are deemed so because of their intellect, charisma and so on, not their looks (Russell Brand may not be really attractive, but women everywhere fancy him because of his outrageousness). Now, I could go on for ages about this, but I have written too much already. You see my point though, one should not be judged 'too ugly' for television, especially when bringing such knowledge to the world.

In short: Our society is messed up and we need to all take a good, hard look at ourselves. We need to change our ridiculous concepts of beauty, because mostly, they aren't beautiful, but instead unattainable ideals that would seem ridiculous 50 + years ago.

Holiday Fashions

Ok, so whilst on holiday in a boiling hot country, it is hard to be completely fashion conscious. It is too hot to dress in certain ways and I would often opt for  loose fitting dress or short-shorts. However, I always tried to take care over my appearance if we were going out, and it only backfired once when I chose a gorgeous floaty, short Jack Wills dress on a windy day in Bodrum. Awkward times....

My general bikini choice was a rather beautiful yet skimpy Accessorize number from last year (below)

It cost me about £25 overall due to it being in the sale at the time, perfect. I always feel that one should make a good effort in terms of swimwear (I also had a gorgeous leopard print costume for the fat days) as it is the clothing that exposes your body to the greatest extent. A badly chosen bathing suit on holiday will, no doubt, lead to awkward moments (such as your bottoms falling down whilst entering/leaving the pool, sagging etc) that need to be avoided at all costs! The good thing about a 'string' (or tie up) bikini was that I was able to tighten the top or bottoms if and when I needed to whilst avoiding sagging. Perfect. The men seemed to enjoy my bikini too ;)

My favourite outfit, for holiday and in general, is my Topshop leopard print playsuit (below) which is loose fitting with a cute tie at the centre to emphasise the waist. I wore this on a number of occasions, especially on nights out as the shorts somewhat protected me from the advances of unwanted Turkish men! Although when you are drunk, it is a BITCH to go to the toilet haha.

Finally, thought I would show you this dress as everyone always compliments me on it and I have no idea why they all love it so much! It is a couple years old but I do enjoy wearing it, even if it is too big. It's New Look as well, which makes it even better!

I think that my summer fashion is generally practical, loose fitting, comfortable yet on-trend (mostly). I really miss Turkey, so, so much!

Whoops, I lost my mind

I realise that I have kind of neglected this blog recently. I have had SO MUCH on my plate, with exams and then various holidays - Malawi, France and then Turkey on Tuesday! I have a number of opinions about those holidays, some good, some bad...but I digress, I have decided that I am going to try and re-invent this blog; delete awkward/unwanted posts, change layout etcetc. I feel it should be properly cared for, and I will have plenty of time as I am about to begin my studies at Kent University studying English and American Literature. I am very much looking forward to it, meeting new people and immersing myself in the beautiful topic. First up: Daphne Du Maurier's 'The Birds' (the basis for Alfred Hitchcock's film of the same name). 

I got my A level results on Thursday. I achieved A*, A, B, B. I am disappointed in both the B's as I worked SO HARD for MONTHS in order to achieve my grades. However, due to the fact that 150,000 of this years applicants didn't get into university, I should count myself lucky that I got into my first choice with absolutely no problems! I was very grumpy on Thursday due to the grades, but I then got over myself and had the most lovely night out with my friends to celebrate the end of an era! I will miss everyone, but me and my friends are already figuring out how long it'll take to visit each other and because many of us are near London it's a good meeting point! AND I CAN GO TO PARIS EASIER THAN COMING HOME :D

So, that's the big change in my life. I am very excited now and look forward to the next chapter in my life.

My Red Nose Day Vlog :)

I realise this isn't great, but I am new and I am trying to find my voice :)

My life with Ana

Ok, so I have lived with Ana (anorexia) for the past 4 years and it plays a large role in my day to day life. I have decided to create a post to express my feelings towards it, to address common misconceptions, to explain my situation and anything else I think of. I am in no way promoting Eating Disorders, I am merely stating the facts and trying to give an honest account from a person who has been diagnosed with this 'disease'. Believe me, I would love to live without it.

Firstly, a bit about me and my experiences. My current STATS are:

Height: 5'7.5"/5'8"

Weight: 115 llb (8st 3)]
BMI: 17.5

Average daily intake: 1,000-1,200 calories

Exercise: Moderately active (am going to raise this once I start running more)

Ok...so it started when I was 14. I don't know how or why, but it did. It began with the Dancemat. It is a weird way to start, I know, but it did. I had lost 1 stone naturally in my first year of high school, 10 down to 9. So I was already a bit thinner. I had not realised, but my DanceMat had an 'Aerobic' option which would tell you how many calories you burned per song. I realised that if I just ran on the spot then it would burn loads of calories, even though it wasn't that accurate at all! So I kept doing it, and would get excited with the amount of calories burnt. This was the time I discovered calories, and found out all the facts. The country had just recently become very health aware, putting all those food wheels on food packets with nutritional information so it was hard to miss the calories issue. I then lost my appetite significantly. I then found out that I could run, well. My Gran asked me to come to the 'Mothers and Daughters' running group that was part of the Women's Running Network, so I said ok. I was always at the front, and had to loop back. 

I began to run by myself, a 3-4 mile route in 30-40 mins, depending on how I felt that day. I would do this a lot. Meanwhile, the amount of food I ate became less and less. I was obsessed with counting calories, and having as few as possible. I would tally the amount up and sometimes would eat 200 a day. Not even quarter of the recommended daily intake. I was obviously losing weight rapidly and within a month I had lost a stone. I know this because I read my diary from that year (as it was Jan-Feb time) and I was recording my daily weight. When I got to around 8 stone (112 llb) I wrote that I was worried. That I didn't want to lose any more weight because I thought I had lost enough. ... I was obviously aware of what I was doing. However, in that same day I would write that I felt disgusted that I had eaten a bit of chocolate, or binged a bit, so the next day I would eat less and run more.

This continued, and within 3 months I had lost 2 stone and was 6 stone 10 (94llb) so was significantly underweight. At this point I seemed to have hit my maximum and I was not losing weight anymore, instead fluctuating up and back down by a few llb. It was horrid. 

I had absolutely no concentration. I was making myself sick. I was exercising whenever I could. I was refusing food. I remember one time I cried in class, I don't know why, and my teacher GAVE ME MONEY TO BUY LUNCH. I bought quiche and ate it all and spent ages crying and feeling awful, wanting to throw up. I couldn't believe I had done that after I told myself I would eat half of it. I was going out of class to throw up. I was crying all the time. My friends left me (which is the absolute worst thing anyone can do to an anorexic...I still haven't forgiven them completely for that, because I NEEDED someone and no one was THERE, it was teachers instead.) I would break down and tell my teachers what I was feeling, that I didn't want ana but at the same time I did. I was so bad that I was told I didn't have to do my SATs test in year 9, instead have a week off. I had to lie and say I was sick. It was somewhat humiliating.

So...I was never hospitalised, but was an out-patient. I went on regular visits to the hospital and got a counsellor. She was helpful and I met her anorexic daughter. She told me about her experiences, and she was worse than me by so much. She almost died. Yet I just got ideas rather than shock tactics. 

Then one day, I suddenly seemed to have gained weight. I got uo to 8st and my period came back. To this day I don't know what caused it, but it happened. I went back up to almost 9 stone, but then back down to 8 which I stayed at for a long time. Then recently, I weighed myself. 8 st 6. 120llb. I felt sick and refused to eat. So now I am trying to lose weight. it doesn't seem to be happening but I am trying. I know the cut off point for my period so I just won't go below that. I hate looking this way. I want to be toned and beautiful and skinny, not fat like I am now. People can tell me I am not, but Ana won't listen. She says I AM fat. I don't want to fight this. I know people don't care. No one has noticed. So I shall keep going. 

Secondly, misconceptions/issues/my thoughts.

Ok, so many people think that anorexia is just girls wanting to look like celebrities. This, is false. I never wanted to look like a celebrity. The root of anorexia is often linked to a trauma. I was bullied from a young age, and still am. My dad walked out when I was 8, I blocked all memories before that age. The divorce was messy and I have never forgiven him, instead blame myself. I blame myself for my brother's disease also. I am one of the 'intelligent' girls and I put pressure on myself constantly. I have OCD, BDD and have bipolar tendencies. All other girls I know with this disease have pretty much the same story. We are all the 'intelligent' girls, who have gone through something bad and need to get control back. It's not about being skinny to start with.

Also, WE NEED OUR FRIENDS. When I was at my worst, I lost everyone. To this day I don't know why, they just became horrid and cruel and made me want to kill myself. It MADE ME WORSE. I recognise that people do not understand the disease and get scared, and I was the first girl in our year to get anorexia. So no one got it. But they told me they would bitch about me. Little did they know that I was self harming (I would scratch my arms so much they are now scarred a little), crying, throwing up, running, screaming, hurting, because I NEEDED them and I couldn't understand why they hated me. They said I had become a bitch. A) I am not aware that I ever was a bitch, B) If I gave off that impression it was Ana, not me, and this is because Ana reverts you back to a childlike state and you focus only on that, so you become selfish. It is not our fault, so if you know someone with the disease, don't alienate them. Care for them, listen to them, be there for them. Even if they push you away, let them know you will be there because they need that.

Anorexia doesn't necessarily just go away, nor does it not exist if you look healthy. Just because someone is back at a normal weight does not mean that they still don't need help, that they still have it. Because I know I suffer with it now. I am terrified of getting fat. Anorexia may be a cry for help and once a normal weight, the support needs to continue in order to reduce the risk of a relapse. IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

Anorexia is a mental disease. It affects mostly girls, but quite a lot of boys too. It's like a voice in your head telling you that you're fat and no one will like you as you are ugly as well. It is not an attention seeking thing, and if it is we are not aware of this. Apparently, people are born with an anorexic tendency and something will trigger it. Don't tell them how selfish they are, or that they should 'just die' or whatever, because that doesn't help. Whatever you feel, I am sorry to say, is irrelevant. Until they have got help, do not try 'tough love' because it makes it worse. 

If there is anything I have missed, let me know. I hope this has been informative. Stay strong.