My Red Nose Day Vlog :)

I realise this isn't great, but I am new and I am trying to find my voice :)

The Importance of Charity

Ok, so I am going to have a SLIGHT moan about the importance of charity and the selfishness of many people I know. This Friday (18th March 2011) is Red Nose Day (Comic Relief). For those of you who do not know what RND is, it is a one night TV event where celebrities (from A list to Z list) appear in skits, one of music videos etc. The BBC Newsreaders do their infamous dances, Dr Who gives a preview of the next series and the Soaps join together, usually in a comedic sing-song. It began in 1988, following the huge famine in Africa, Ethiopia especially. It's slogan is 'Do something funny for money' and every two years it raises tens of millions of pounds that will go to those worse off than us; those in extreme poverty, with HIV etc - all in the UK and Africa. Over the years it has already made a big difference, but it is still an important part of our culture, with the majority of the country tuning in to watch. It's something that I have always been involved in, and it is especially close to my heart after visiting Africa in 2008 and witnessing first hand the conditions many people live in, and the effect that a small amount of money has on these people's lives. 

I am really looking forward to RND '11, yet I have a number of friends - or at least people I know - who not only think that I am weird for feeling this way, but also have no interest in helping out. With regards to this charity, or any charity. And I wonder how, in this day and age, with the amount of suffering that is in the world, people do not care enough to give even £1 (which buys a red nose, or may buy videos/CD's/DVD's in charity shops) to a charity. Why? Because they care more about themselves than others. And it's not just charity, it's things that DIRECTLY affect them; such as the government's cuts to the public sector which they will not fight to save; it is saving money for university/holidays/the future in general. They do this because they live in the here and now, they aren't currently effected by the cuts, and they aren't directly linked to any charity - so see no need to support or care for any of this. Instead, they fritter their money away on clothes, food, DVD's, whatever; materialistic stuff that they will use once and never again. Now, I am not saying I am perfect; but I am getting better with my money nowadays and unlike many people, I don't get government support (such as EMA) and I have a job (of which every penny I have earned has gone into a savings account) but I still splurge now and then. However, my reasoning for doing so differs from that of many people my age. The reason I may spend £40 on an item of clothing when I have money is because I know I will get good use out of it for a long time, and because I know if I don't, then I am at risk of wasting all my money on food/alcohol which I then get annoyed about. My friends keep inviting me out on nights out, and of course I would LOVE to go, but spending £15-25 a week on a night out with friends = up to £100 a month, and that is RIDICULOUS. I cannot see how people can be so uncaring and unaware - and they then complain that they don't have any money, yet I have £1,800 that I don't want to dip in to in order to go out with them. 

Luckily for me, I think I will fare quite well at university and as long as I am careful, I should have minimal debt at the end of it. Many people I know, however, will have extremely huge debts because they throw their money away like bits of rubbish. Now, I may be overexaggerating here, but you get my point. Today's youth is more concerned about themselves and feeding their needs than about others or about their future troubles (as they don't pay any attention to the news and the stories of the economic climate). I urge people to, instead of spending money on an item of clothing that you will wear once, think 'Do I love this? Will I wear it a lot?', if no, put it back. Maybe some of your money could be given to charity. £10 - which is nothing - will make a huge difference to someone's life, someone who is less fortunate than you in some way; maybe they have a disease, are in poverty etc. £10 will buy two mosquito nets for African's. That will save two people from getting Malaria, and two people from dying. If you watch RND, actually ring or text in and GIVE them money. Don't be one of those people that sits there, enjoying the entertainment but doesn't think about giving any donations. Save your money up; create a separate savings account that half your earnings each month goes in to and you'll be surprised how much you save so that you can spend it on something worthwhile (thats how I got my MacBook Pro!). Just.....care.

London Fashion Week....Best of, as chosen by me

(she is my Style Icon - Olivia Palermo)

Hey, I got some new shoes on and everybody's smiling...

So, I bought myself those tan brogues that I was umming and ahhing over. They are exchange only so I am a bit :/ ... I have spent the last hour trying on all my clothes trying to see if they suit, as they are so different and having fat legs (which doesn't show as much in these pictures) doesn't help matters. Do they look ok? And what else can I wear them with?

I must admit they are divine, and my outfit here is pretty awesome (will wear it tomorrow, should I choose to keep the shoes). I needed some summery shoes as I am wearing out my boots...lol. I can't wait for it to be summer so i can wear nice dresses and no tights! EEP :D hehe. But yes, I am so in love with fashion right now. I also bought myself a sleeveless, cropped denim jacket which is gorgeous and goes with EVERYTHING. I am a happy bunny...now off to do english coursework :S

Oh, and here is my new jacket....

Brogues...

Ok, so today I went shopping with my Gran. It was quite good. I went to topshop and bought the loveliest playsuit (below)

I thought that it was gorgeous on the hanger and trying it on was just divine. It is so slimming and flattering, I just jumped at the chance to buy it. It was £50 but with my discount it was £45. I don't know if that is good or bad, but if I get wear out of it, then it is totally worth it :) <3 There is a lot of other stuff that I want, but I cannot decide what to buy!!

I was also looking at shoes and trying to decide what to get. I want some for spring that are nice and will last. At Office, I found some nice Brogues, but the colour I wanted wasn't in stock so I tried another colour in. Because they are so different to what I am used to, it is hard to decide if they are beneficial.

This is the colour I had wanted as it is a nice brown and will go with more stuff...they cost £68 but I would get my student discount off. The problem with Office is that they do not do refunds, only exchange, so I would need to be sure I wanted them. 

These are the other colour, which are equally nice but I still feel that it would be better to get the darker ones. I am not sure entirely what they will go with, as they are making a statement. So I am stressing as I need some new shoes and they are LUSH....but would I be wasting my money? Oh, I don't know...

My life with Ana

Ok, so I have lived with Ana (anorexia) for the past 4 years and it plays a large role in my day to day life. I have decided to create a post to express my feelings towards it, to address common misconceptions, to explain my situation and anything else I think of. I am in no way promoting Eating Disorders, I am merely stating the facts and trying to give an honest account from a person who has been diagnosed with this 'disease'. Believe me, I would love to live without it.

Firstly, a bit about me and my experiences. My current STATS are:

Height: 5'7.5"/5'8"

Weight: 115 llb (8st 3)]
BMI: 17.5

Average daily intake: 1,000-1,200 calories

Exercise: Moderately active (am going to raise this once I start running more)

Ok...so it started when I was 14. I don't know how or why, but it did. It began with the Dancemat. It is a weird way to start, I know, but it did. I had lost 1 stone naturally in my first year of high school, 10 down to 9. So I was already a bit thinner. I had not realised, but my DanceMat had an 'Aerobic' option which would tell you how many calories you burned per song. I realised that if I just ran on the spot then it would burn loads of calories, even though it wasn't that accurate at all! So I kept doing it, and would get excited with the amount of calories burnt. This was the time I discovered calories, and found out all the facts. The country had just recently become very health aware, putting all those food wheels on food packets with nutritional information so it was hard to miss the calories issue. I then lost my appetite significantly. I then found out that I could run, well. My Gran asked me to come to the 'Mothers and Daughters' running group that was part of the Women's Running Network, so I said ok. I was always at the front, and had to loop back. 

I began to run by myself, a 3-4 mile route in 30-40 mins, depending on how I felt that day. I would do this a lot. Meanwhile, the amount of food I ate became less and less. I was obsessed with counting calories, and having as few as possible. I would tally the amount up and sometimes would eat 200 a day. Not even quarter of the recommended daily intake. I was obviously losing weight rapidly and within a month I had lost a stone. I know this because I read my diary from that year (as it was Jan-Feb time) and I was recording my daily weight. When I got to around 8 stone (112 llb) I wrote that I was worried. That I didn't want to lose any more weight because I thought I had lost enough. ... I was obviously aware of what I was doing. However, in that same day I would write that I felt disgusted that I had eaten a bit of chocolate, or binged a bit, so the next day I would eat less and run more.

This continued, and within 3 months I had lost 2 stone and was 6 stone 10 (94llb) so was significantly underweight. At this point I seemed to have hit my maximum and I was not losing weight anymore, instead fluctuating up and back down by a few llb. It was horrid. 

I had absolutely no concentration. I was making myself sick. I was exercising whenever I could. I was refusing food. I remember one time I cried in class, I don't know why, and my teacher GAVE ME MONEY TO BUY LUNCH. I bought quiche and ate it all and spent ages crying and feeling awful, wanting to throw up. I couldn't believe I had done that after I told myself I would eat half of it. I was going out of class to throw up. I was crying all the time. My friends left me (which is the absolute worst thing anyone can do to an anorexic...I still haven't forgiven them completely for that, because I NEEDED someone and no one was THERE, it was teachers instead.) I would break down and tell my teachers what I was feeling, that I didn't want ana but at the same time I did. I was so bad that I was told I didn't have to do my SATs test in year 9, instead have a week off. I had to lie and say I was sick. It was somewhat humiliating.

So...I was never hospitalised, but was an out-patient. I went on regular visits to the hospital and got a counsellor. She was helpful and I met her anorexic daughter. She told me about her experiences, and she was worse than me by so much. She almost died. Yet I just got ideas rather than shock tactics. 

Then one day, I suddenly seemed to have gained weight. I got uo to 8st and my period came back. To this day I don't know what caused it, but it happened. I went back up to almost 9 stone, but then back down to 8 which I stayed at for a long time. Then recently, I weighed myself. 8 st 6. 120llb. I felt sick and refused to eat. So now I am trying to lose weight. it doesn't seem to be happening but I am trying. I know the cut off point for my period so I just won't go below that. I hate looking this way. I want to be toned and beautiful and skinny, not fat like I am now. People can tell me I am not, but Ana won't listen. She says I AM fat. I don't want to fight this. I know people don't care. No one has noticed. So I shall keep going. 

Secondly, misconceptions/issues/my thoughts.

Ok, so many people think that anorexia is just girls wanting to look like celebrities. This, is false. I never wanted to look like a celebrity. The root of anorexia is often linked to a trauma. I was bullied from a young age, and still am. My dad walked out when I was 8, I blocked all memories before that age. The divorce was messy and I have never forgiven him, instead blame myself. I blame myself for my brother's disease also. I am one of the 'intelligent' girls and I put pressure on myself constantly. I have OCD, BDD and have bipolar tendencies. All other girls I know with this disease have pretty much the same story. We are all the 'intelligent' girls, who have gone through something bad and need to get control back. It's not about being skinny to start with.

Also, WE NEED OUR FRIENDS. When I was at my worst, I lost everyone. To this day I don't know why, they just became horrid and cruel and made me want to kill myself. It MADE ME WORSE. I recognise that people do not understand the disease and get scared, and I was the first girl in our year to get anorexia. So no one got it. But they told me they would bitch about me. Little did they know that I was self harming (I would scratch my arms so much they are now scarred a little), crying, throwing up, running, screaming, hurting, because I NEEDED them and I couldn't understand why they hated me. They said I had become a bitch. A) I am not aware that I ever was a bitch, B) If I gave off that impression it was Ana, not me, and this is because Ana reverts you back to a childlike state and you focus only on that, so you become selfish. It is not our fault, so if you know someone with the disease, don't alienate them. Care for them, listen to them, be there for them. Even if they push you away, let them know you will be there because they need that.

Anorexia doesn't necessarily just go away, nor does it not exist if you look healthy. Just because someone is back at a normal weight does not mean that they still don't need help, that they still have it. Because I know I suffer with it now. I am terrified of getting fat. Anorexia may be a cry for help and once a normal weight, the support needs to continue in order to reduce the risk of a relapse. IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

Anorexia is a mental disease. It affects mostly girls, but quite a lot of boys too. It's like a voice in your head telling you that you're fat and no one will like you as you are ugly as well. It is not an attention seeking thing, and if it is we are not aware of this. Apparently, people are born with an anorexic tendency and something will trigger it. Don't tell them how selfish they are, or that they should 'just die' or whatever, because that doesn't help. Whatever you feel, I am sorry to say, is irrelevant. Until they have got help, do not try 'tough love' because it makes it worse. 

If there is anything I have missed, let me know. I hope this has been informative. Stay strong.

I painted this...

Freedom Through the Written Word

One, it's actually in black and white, my hipstamatic made it red lol.

Two, I don't know if I like it

Three, it is for my Extended Project Presentation on Wednesday. Part of a Poster for Martin Luther King and Malcolm X as I focus on their autobiographies.

Opinions?? :)

My favourite Vogue Covers...

This is just a small number of them but, God, aren't they stunning? I ADORE fashion and anything fashion related and these covers make me love it more. They are just so classy, so innovative, so creative. Vogue is one of those magazines that will live on forever. It. Is. Beauty. 

Beauty

What is our obsession with beauty? Or, to put it another way, why are we so OBSESSED with being 'perfect' or 'sexy' or 'stunning' or.... 'fake'. 

The fashion world has gone, in my opinion, too far in its quest for beauty. A beautiful woman who, 50 years ago, would be considered a pin up would today be called fat.  A woman who was once seen as too thin and boyish is the epitome of beauty in our modern society. It seems that there is a certain ideal that we must all aspire to. This, to me, is wrong. 


Take Marilyn Monroe, for example. She was once considered one of the most beautiful women on the planet. She was the subject of many mens desires. She was a highly sexualised pin up of the 50's and 60's. She was gorgeous. Yet she was naturally a size 14 (UK) - which is incidentally the average dress size for UK women. No one wanted a bag of bones, they wanted curves and breasts. They desired a healthy woman. If she was to launch herself today as an actress and model she would be labelled 'plus size' and would not be recognised in the same way. At all. You may hear people talk about her positively, but who can honestly say that she would have the sex appeal and the popularity today as she did 60 years ago? If it wasn't for Twiggy, our models would probably still look like this.

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Girls as young as 5 are beginning to feel concerned about their appearance. They wear make-up and have piercings and wear short skirts and heels. We are encouraging children to sexualise themselves and this gives raise to pedophiles, praying on innocent, naive young girls who don't realise the image they are putting across to horny men. Our mothers do not stop this. There are many women that encourage their young child to dress inappropriately because it is 'cute'. Their children are becoming fake, 'plastic' and often resemble Lolita. And we all know how that story goes...


Even Barbie has changed. She portrays the commercial view of what a beautiful woman should look like. And girls aspire to be her. If she were a real person with the correct proportions she would be something like, 9ft tall and 100llb which would make her severely malnourished and probably dead. Is this the kind of role model children need?

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Our current idea of beauty has stretched so far as to give a huge rise in eating disorders, particularly among teen girls. Now, it has been suggested that an eating disorder is genetic, but only occurs through triggering. Often that triggering is the media's portrayal of beautiful, perfect women. Most of these women have been photoshopped and people do not seem to acknowledge that these models' skins are not blemish free, their legs aren't that thin and that their faces are symmetrical. Some of the triggering comes from experiences at school, for example. If you are even a little bit overweight, or perhaps you aren't what they see as attractive (even if you are) then you will be bullied horrendously. I experienced this first hand for the majority of my school life, and still experience it now. It cuts you to the core, and whilst this bullying may be down to jealousy (as often you ARE beautiful and you ARE smart and you ARE thin), you will believe it. You will look in the mirror and all you will see is a fat, ugly freak who no one loves. Trust me, I experience this on a daily basis. Sometimes, this can become extreme and lead to BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) which is associated with OCD, Anorexia and Bulimia. 


Do we really need to starve ourselves in order to be beautiful? 


In theory, no. Everyone will openly state that they are NOT pro-ana. Modelling agencies state that their models need to be (UK) size 8-10. But how many of those catwalk models do you REALLY think are a size 8-10? How many do you really think are encouraged to eat healthily, to exercise with caution etc? 

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Beauty is NOT what you see on the catwalk. It is NOT what you see in the magazines or on the TV. If you look around you, there is virtually no one who looks like them. At all. Our desire to be beautiful should be based upon intellect and personality, not on the external appearance. I know this is what everyone says, but come on, if you see couples on the street, how many of them are what the industry labels as beautiful? Beauty comes from within you, and relationships aren't built on looks alone. The reason I have gone on a rant that doesn't even make sense is because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I experience this pain everyday. Perhaps I am a hypocrite, because I will starve myself. I will work to lose weight. I will look in the mirror and feel ugly. I will look in the mirror and feel fat. I will feel unloved and unwanted. But this does not make me right. No one will ever be 100% content with themselves, but we can still believe this is true. We can still KNOW it is true, even, because true beauty comes from within us. And everyone is beautiful in their own way. And just because I have issues, it is not because of the industry, because I disagree with their perceptions, hey are personal issues and nothing to do with them. So shoot me...

Christmas and all that...

So...first off I would like to say Merry Christmas to you! Hope it has been a wonderful day for everyone and that you got everything that you wished for.

Main present was my MacBook Pro (which I paid £679 toward so it not particularly a present, but it is awesome all the same) :) the Webcam is so fun!!:

... and here is a silly one for good measure :):

Anyhoo..been a good day. Stuffed my fat gob all day, I bet I have gained half a bloody stone today. Feel awful...no guys will EVER want me now. UGHGHGHHG. But Tv was good, Ben got Xbox Kinekt thingy and it is so random and funny :)

Still thinking about my whole situation at the moment...lots of guys seeming interested in me. However there was only one who has been so unbelievably sweet and I dunno if that is just him or whether he interested in me. Either way he is a very nice person and made me feel special the other day :) The other guys are just horny...but funny. :)

Tomorrow I have to work. F.M.L!!! haha Really don't WANT to get up early and go into frigging Debenhams for 9am! UUUGGHH

Anyhoo..watching 'Come Fly With Me' then beddy byes :)