My life with Ana

Ok, so I have lived with Ana (anorexia) for the past 4 years and it plays a large role in my day to day life. I have decided to create a post to express my feelings towards it, to address common misconceptions, to explain my situation and anything else I think of. I am in no way promoting Eating Disorders, I am merely stating the facts and trying to give an honest account from a person who has been diagnosed with this 'disease'. Believe me, I would love to live without it.

Firstly, a bit about me and my experiences. My current STATS are:

Height: 5'7.5"/5'8"

Weight: 115 llb (8st 3)]
BMI: 17.5

Average daily intake: 1,000-1,200 calories

Exercise: Moderately active (am going to raise this once I start running more)

Ok...so it started when I was 14. I don't know how or why, but it did. It began with the Dancemat. It is a weird way to start, I know, but it did. I had lost 1 stone naturally in my first year of high school, 10 down to 9. So I was already a bit thinner. I had not realised, but my DanceMat had an 'Aerobic' option which would tell you how many calories you burned per song. I realised that if I just ran on the spot then it would burn loads of calories, even though it wasn't that accurate at all! So I kept doing it, and would get excited with the amount of calories burnt. This was the time I discovered calories, and found out all the facts. The country had just recently become very health aware, putting all those food wheels on food packets with nutritional information so it was hard to miss the calories issue. I then lost my appetite significantly. I then found out that I could run, well. My Gran asked me to come to the 'Mothers and Daughters' running group that was part of the Women's Running Network, so I said ok. I was always at the front, and had to loop back. 

I began to run by myself, a 3-4 mile route in 30-40 mins, depending on how I felt that day. I would do this a lot. Meanwhile, the amount of food I ate became less and less. I was obsessed with counting calories, and having as few as possible. I would tally the amount up and sometimes would eat 200 a day. Not even quarter of the recommended daily intake. I was obviously losing weight rapidly and within a month I had lost a stone. I know this because I read my diary from that year (as it was Jan-Feb time) and I was recording my daily weight. When I got to around 8 stone (112 llb) I wrote that I was worried. That I didn't want to lose any more weight because I thought I had lost enough. ... I was obviously aware of what I was doing. However, in that same day I would write that I felt disgusted that I had eaten a bit of chocolate, or binged a bit, so the next day I would eat less and run more.

This continued, and within 3 months I had lost 2 stone and was 6 stone 10 (94llb) so was significantly underweight. At this point I seemed to have hit my maximum and I was not losing weight anymore, instead fluctuating up and back down by a few llb. It was horrid. 

I had absolutely no concentration. I was making myself sick. I was exercising whenever I could. I was refusing food. I remember one time I cried in class, I don't know why, and my teacher GAVE ME MONEY TO BUY LUNCH. I bought quiche and ate it all and spent ages crying and feeling awful, wanting to throw up. I couldn't believe I had done that after I told myself I would eat half of it. I was going out of class to throw up. I was crying all the time. My friends left me (which is the absolute worst thing anyone can do to an anorexic...I still haven't forgiven them completely for that, because I NEEDED someone and no one was THERE, it was teachers instead.) I would break down and tell my teachers what I was feeling, that I didn't want ana but at the same time I did. I was so bad that I was told I didn't have to do my SATs test in year 9, instead have a week off. I had to lie and say I was sick. It was somewhat humiliating.

So...I was never hospitalised, but was an out-patient. I went on regular visits to the hospital and got a counsellor. She was helpful and I met her anorexic daughter. She told me about her experiences, and she was worse than me by so much. She almost died. Yet I just got ideas rather than shock tactics. 

Then one day, I suddenly seemed to have gained weight. I got uo to 8st and my period came back. To this day I don't know what caused it, but it happened. I went back up to almost 9 stone, but then back down to 8 which I stayed at for a long time. Then recently, I weighed myself. 8 st 6. 120llb. I felt sick and refused to eat. So now I am trying to lose weight. it doesn't seem to be happening but I am trying. I know the cut off point for my period so I just won't go below that. I hate looking this way. I want to be toned and beautiful and skinny, not fat like I am now. People can tell me I am not, but Ana won't listen. She says I AM fat. I don't want to fight this. I know people don't care. No one has noticed. So I shall keep going. 

Secondly, misconceptions/issues/my thoughts.

Ok, so many people think that anorexia is just girls wanting to look like celebrities. This, is false. I never wanted to look like a celebrity. The root of anorexia is often linked to a trauma. I was bullied from a young age, and still am. My dad walked out when I was 8, I blocked all memories before that age. The divorce was messy and I have never forgiven him, instead blame myself. I blame myself for my brother's disease also. I am one of the 'intelligent' girls and I put pressure on myself constantly. I have OCD, BDD and have bipolar tendencies. All other girls I know with this disease have pretty much the same story. We are all the 'intelligent' girls, who have gone through something bad and need to get control back. It's not about being skinny to start with.

Also, WE NEED OUR FRIENDS. When I was at my worst, I lost everyone. To this day I don't know why, they just became horrid and cruel and made me want to kill myself. It MADE ME WORSE. I recognise that people do not understand the disease and get scared, and I was the first girl in our year to get anorexia. So no one got it. But they told me they would bitch about me. Little did they know that I was self harming (I would scratch my arms so much they are now scarred a little), crying, throwing up, running, screaming, hurting, because I NEEDED them and I couldn't understand why they hated me. They said I had become a bitch. A) I am not aware that I ever was a bitch, B) If I gave off that impression it was Ana, not me, and this is because Ana reverts you back to a childlike state and you focus only on that, so you become selfish. It is not our fault, so if you know someone with the disease, don't alienate them. Care for them, listen to them, be there for them. Even if they push you away, let them know you will be there because they need that.

Anorexia doesn't necessarily just go away, nor does it not exist if you look healthy. Just because someone is back at a normal weight does not mean that they still don't need help, that they still have it. Because I know I suffer with it now. I am terrified of getting fat. Anorexia may be a cry for help and once a normal weight, the support needs to continue in order to reduce the risk of a relapse. IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

Anorexia is a mental disease. It affects mostly girls, but quite a lot of boys too. It's like a voice in your head telling you that you're fat and no one will like you as you are ugly as well. It is not an attention seeking thing, and if it is we are not aware of this. Apparently, people are born with an anorexic tendency and something will trigger it. Don't tell them how selfish they are, or that they should 'just die' or whatever, because that doesn't help. Whatever you feel, I am sorry to say, is irrelevant. Until they have got help, do not try 'tough love' because it makes it worse. 

If there is anything I have missed, let me know. I hope this has been informative. Stay strong.